


Finding the Strength

by Phan_of_Shipping



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, M/M, loss of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:26:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phan_of_Shipping/pseuds/Phan_of_Shipping
Summary: Magnus slammed his hands against the barrier that was caging him, he pounded at it with his fists, channeling everything he had at it. He knew it was futile but he felt so vulnerable, so defenseless - the best he could try was to show that even though his magic had left him, his fight hadn't.





	Finding the Strength

Magnus slammed his hands against the barrier that was caging him, he pounded at it with his fists, channeling everything he had at it. He knew it was futile but he felt so vulnerable, so defenseless - the best he could try was to show that even though his magic had left him, his fight hadn't.

Magnus hit his hands against the barrier again, ignoring the growing pain in his hands, but the barrier was unyielding, _mocking_. To feel the magic against his hands, and not to have his own at his fingertips was crushing. 

Centuries of life and experience, brushed away like it was all a dream.

Centuries of life and experience trapped like a piece of pray, fierce but ultimately subdued, with Iris stalking around him on the outside.

He let his hands fall down against the barrier, panting from the exhaustion of his unrelenting efforts.

"You think I'd relish seeing a _great_ warlock like Magnus Bane without a shred of his powers," Taunted Iris, dragging her finger along the outside of the barrier, smirking triumphantly, "It's actually a little sad."

Magnus tried to control his emotions but he knew his face was expressing his fears; he'd never felt so unprotected. Even when he was abandoned on the streets, had fled from Asmodeus, dealing with the loss Ragnor, he never felt alone because he always had his magic. Even when it repulsed him, it was a small comfort that he could defend himself.

"I told you," He sighed, remaining defiant, "I don't know where Madzie is."

He kept his head down, avoiding Iris' predatory glare, just _breathe._

"Deny it all you like... your memories, they won't lie."

"Stay out of my head." Magnus warned, voice thick with emotion. He couldn't defend himself from the cruellest of mind games. The last time someone had gone sifting through his memories had him at the verge of an emotional breakdown.

No. He was going to stay strong. For Madzie, for Alexander. 

"I may not have my magic, but I have centuries worth of memories," the sacrifice was worth it, "Good luck with what you're looking for."

Iris lunged forward and suddenly moments both joyous and painful lit up inside his head.

One thought consumed him, one thought kept him strong, "This is for Madzie." This pain would be worth all the saved evenings of bedtime stories and games of sharks and minnows.

He would hold out for as long as his mundane body could.

Magnus grimaced as he felt Iris' anger whilst she shifted and siphoned through his memories at a more desperate rate.

He said nothing as Iris left his head. He stared at her with all the rage he could muster and stood strong.

Iris thrust her hand forward and her dark magic twisted back inside his mind, aggressive and unflinching.

_Alexander, George, fighting, loss, Alexander_

The thoughts thrummed inside his head like a wardrum. It was as if his very mind was under a vice that was tightening every time Iris swept through his mind.

He's fighting this, knowing it hurts so much more to. He could handle this. A mundane mind wouldn't know what was happening, wouldn't contest,wouldn't know to fight back. But he _was._

_For Madzie. For Alexander._

His hands leapt up to his forehead, the pressure almost critical, and he buckled. He could feel the sweat filming his forehead as his hands met the floor in a weak attempt to support himself.

"Are we done yet?" He panted, "I got a lot more where that came from." 

The thudding in his head teased him, reminding him his magic was lost and he was unprotected. 

Magnus scrunched his face up in a desperate attempt to lessen the drilling pain in his temples. He still hadn't caught his breath and could barely move from the heap he fell in. He instinctively reached for his magic for a little respite but deflated just as quickly. It was a cruel trick of habit.

With immense effort, he pulled himself up to a kneeling position.

 

"Stay strong" he repeated his mantra, "For Madzie, for Alexander."

 

He prepared himself for whatever Iris was going to inflict on him yet at the mention of Catarina he found the strength to stand.

The fire message looked to be in Catarina's handwriting, but he knew she would never give Madzie up. There had to be something else at work.

He was just waiting to be saved, because now he’s incapable of that himself. He's not feared or respected; he's reliant, overlooked, _mundane._

 

The small sense of victory he felt by missing Iris' strike was diminished by the pain in his chest and hand when he slammed down on the ground. All it took was two attempts and he was pacified. He lay there for a few moments, finding the courage to get back up again after being so humiliated. 

He staggered and lunged at Iris, the rage he felt overwhelming, but Alec grabbed him and kept him back.

Alec’s words were reassuring, Magnus knew his efforts were not in vain but that did not stop the powerless feeling that consumed him completely, watching Catarina heal him, Alec frowning in guilt.

He never wanted to feel that again - that crushing patheticism and helplessness, the feeling of being easy prey, of being subdued and hurt. That feeling of someone having complete control over you, and you, the unable puppet. 

He needed to be strong, he _wanted_ to be strong, not just for Madzie and Alexander. 

But for himself.

**Author's Note:**

> SHADOWHUNTERS IS BACK!!!! That episode was so good and I thought I'd write a little fic about what I thought was running through Magnus' head when Iris captured him.
> 
> I hope you enjoy and please leave kudos/comments as it means a lot <3
> 
> Can't wait for next week's I C O N I C Malec moments.


End file.
